Weekly Dish Blog - Weight Loss Guidance
if you’re like me, your New Year’s resolution to lose weight
has gone out the window. (All right, all right, mine ACTUALLY went out the
window about January 10th, but I digress). And even though this year I was
just SURE that this was THE year where I wouldn’t fall off the “resolution
wagon”, here I am, adrift in a sea of leftover Valentine’s candy.
So, what to do? Well, I’ve adopted a whole new set of rules to live by, weight-wise. These are beliefs I’ve held for years, but not until now have I decided to write them down. Whether or not they’ll result in me looking like one of the Kardashians remains to be seen, but at least I KNOW I can live with these new guidelines! Maybe they’ll work for you!?
Rule # 1 - All pastries, when broken in half, immediately lose half their calories. (they fall to the floor, but you can’t see them, because they’re invisible!).
# 2 – Any time you go out to lunch/dinner for a birthday/raise/retirement
celebration, it’s a known fact that ALL calories consumed at the party
“charged” to the guest of honor. So eat up and enjoy! (This also includes all cupcakes consumed at children’s party by any adult in attendance, as well as all foods consumed after a funeral.)
Rule #3 - All foods consumed in the name of comforting a friend, for whatever reason, have absolutely no calorie content as your empathy gobbles up all the calories. If the comforting involves crying, even better! Entire casserole dishes of macaroni & cheese have been known to be rendered a zero caloric content during a good crying jag with a friend.
Rule #4 – If you’re making a big, ooey gooey pasta dish, make sure to use whole wheat pasta. The high fiber of the pasta totally obliterates any calories in the various cheeses, actually resulting in a NEGATIVE # of calories consumed. Mangia!! (Italian for “eat up”!)
Rule #5 – It’s a little known scientific fact that all foods consumed in the dark, have no calorie content. The theory behind it is akin to “if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it fall…..”
Rule #6 - If whatever you’re eating is within 48 hours of expiration, all the calories in the item have died. So an entire bar of cream cheese, if expiring day after tomorrow, is 100% consumable today with no caloric penalty!
Rule #7 – All calories consumed more than 50 miles from your home have no caloric impact on your body. It has something to do with your body’s internal homing device and it can’t get a good read on where you are, so all the calories are disoriented and have no place to go.
Rule #8 – All foods consumed by moms left behind by their toddlers have no calories because you’re just thinking of the starving children all over the world, and it’d be a waste to throw it away.
Rule #9 – Certain foods have a “charitable dispensation” and therefore, have no calorie count. This would include all the church potluck dinners, Girl Scout cookies, Boy Scout popcorn, school fundraiser candy, etc.
Rule #10 – If you eat a raw vegetable immediately after you’ve taken a forkful of a high calorie food, one cancels the other out as it short circuits the brain, and the brain only has time to “recognize” the most recent bite. This is especially helpful at buffets and parties.
#11 – And by now, since you’ve followed all these rules,
your weigh in will be a joyous event! Here are some tips for getting on
the dreaded scale of death –
1) Don’t weight yourself with wet hair, water has weight. Actually, if you can get your hair cut, that’s a great time to weigh in.
2) Do “everything” possible you can in the bathroom before stepping on the scale.
3) Raising your hands over your head lightens the load on the scale, so stick those arms in the air!
4) Don’t forget to take off anything that you can possibly remove; earrings, glasses, necklaces, removable dental work, etc. (nail polish is okay)
5) Exhaling deeply before stepping on the scale has been known to result in a 1-2 lb. weight loss when stepping on the scale.
And finally, sneak up on the scale, one foot at a time while holding on to the towel bar and then ever so gently, uncurl your fingers from the towel bar, say a prayer to the Weight Gods, and look down at your new weight number! I’m sure you’ve lost a bunch of weight! Go celebrate and have a Twinkie, but be sure to break it in half first!!!